Relationship Equity
As the last several weeks have passed, I've had a ton of time to spend with my girls. At first the time was a bit disheartening because they really didn't want to spend much time with me. After having spent the vast majority of their lives at work they had grown accustomed to their mom doing 90% of all parenting with them. She made all of their food, fed them that food, put them down for bed, woke them up in the morning, and even did all of the fun things outside of her typical work week. I typically would try to force 30 minutes to an hour with them collectively at the end of the day before they went to bed, and I'd be out the door the next morning before they woke up to get to an office. I just hadn't built the equity in the relationships that my wife had. I've poured a lot of time and energy into fixing that over the last several weeks and I couldn't be more thankful for that. Being a dad has some interesting challenges and we don't always have a good strategy for how to build relationships with our kids, so I'd like to take a few minutes to go over a few things that have worked for me recently.
"Yes" Mentality
One of the most important things I've learned over the past few weeks is the importance of having a "yes" mentality when my girls ask me to do something. It's hilarious to me that I'm using terminology from my former employer, but it translates very well to parenting in a lot of ways. We would find ways to say "yes" to every customer even when they were being unreasonable or downright nasty at times. Yet, as a parent we somehow don't feel the obligation to give our kids what they want and often need.
Don't misunderstand me, I recognize that you can create a very entitled version of your little ones if you just give them everything that you want and I'm not referring to toys and giving in at every turn. What I am referring to is going on that walk around your neighborhood when they want to be outside even though you're tired or playing with that dollhouse that your daughter loves so much. When my youngest asks me to play with paint I initially want to say no because she gets really messy, and it leads me down a path of needing to clean her up or try to keep her from making a mess while painting but in the end the juice is worth the squeeze. Even if it's not something that sounds particularly fun or exciting to me, I try to make sure that I'm available and willing to spend time with them. This has helped me to build trust and connection with my girls, and it's also helped me to understand their interests and passions a lot better.
Protecting Your Time and Prioritizing What's Important
Another strategy that has worked well for me is setting an hour timer on my phone and not picking it up until I've spent that hour with my girls distraction-free. This has helped me to be fully present and engaged with them during our time together, and it's also helped me to be more mindful and intentional about how I spend my time. I've spent those hours reading with my kids, putting puzzles together, sitting around the dinner table, or having under the table picnics with them. This was an absolute anxiety provoking nightmare for me at first. I've grown so used to needing to be next to my phone at all times, respond to texts quickly, and answer immediately if it rings that ignoring it was a real and significant issue for me. I had to break myself from those habits and it was nerve-racking to do. The payoff has been awesome though! Not only have I been able to better focus on my girls and connect with them BUT I've also grown comfortable with the idea of just not having to be at people's fingertips 24/7.
To put it simply most things in life can wait and if it can't they'll call back...and if they still don't get me, they'll leave a message that I'll check that message when my alarm goes off letting me know that the hour has passed. I used to show my team a graph where the metrics on the vertical axis were Important and not Important and the horizontal axis was Urgent and Not Urgent. I would often walk up to employees who were super stressed or pressed about an issue and ask them to put it into one of the four boxes that the graph created and a huge portion of the time they would have spent hours on an unimportant/not urgent task. I've learned to not allow those things to take time away from my kiddos and if there is a true emergency my someone would either call a family member who would call me without stop until I answered, show up at my house, or call my wife if she's home. The reality is that most things can wait and spending this time with my girls has helped me to realize that.
One of the things that I have found to be really rewarding is to engage in activities that my daughters are interested in. This can be difficult, especially if you're not particularly interested in the activity which definitely affects me a pretty stereotypical guy, but it's important to remember that it's not about you. It's about building a connection with your kids. For example, I have a daughter who is really into makeup right now. So, I made a point of sitting down with her and painting her fingernails and, on occasion even letting her paint mine. It's not something that I'm particularly good at, but it's been a great way for us to bond and connect and my nails look FIRE! My youngest is a little different because she just wants to be involved so if I can play with toys, build things with big blocks, or play the "daddy's pretending to sleep game", she eats it up. I will lay on the floor and pretend to snore, and she comes and pounces on my belly and says, "Daddy wake up!" in her best scream. We can tie up a lot of time in that little game and it's been a really meaningful experience for me and I think it has for her too.
Wrapping up
Building a strong relationship with your children can be challenging, especially if you haven't been able to spend much time with them in the past. There's no time like the present to change the amount of time that you spend with your kids. Adopting a "yes" mentality and setting aside dedicated, distraction-free time to spend with your kids can help to build the relationship equity that you need for a strong and healthy bond. By being available, willing and present to your kids, you can help them to trust and understand you better, which will lead to a more meaningful relationship with them, and you'll also better understand who they are as people. In addition, disconnecting from the constant need of being available to others and focusing on the things that are truly important in life, can help you to be more mindful and intentional in your time with your children and in your overall life. I hope you've found value in the article today. I recognize that it's pretty specific to me but I hope it can help some of you in your relationships or time management skills. Most importantly do something positive today! Make an impact for good. Interact with the blog and the socials and have an awesome weekend!
John
John Lockman is passionate about promoting men's mental health. Having lost a family member to suicide at an early age, he is committed to raising awareness about the disproportionate number of men affected by this devastating issue. Through his own personal experiences and his website, www.thelockmanlounge.com, John hopes to help men think differently about how to prioritize their well-being and become more comfortable acknowledging and processing their feelings in a healthy way.
In addition to his passion for mental health advocacy, John also has almost two decades of experience in the business world. Most recently, he oversaw roughly 100 million dollars of annual revenue and was responsible for managing a team of 75 employees. In this role, John had a significant impact on customer service, profitability, employee retention, and marketplace growth. With his wealth of knowledge and experience, John is a seasoned professional with valuable insights to share.
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