Smart Guys do Dumb Things

Assumptions About Communication

If you're a smart guy...or if you do dumb things this article is for you! I remember a conversation with my previous boss where we had agreed that I would send an employee around her neighborhood which happened to be on post (a military base) to see if she noticed a large numbers of rental vehicles from a competitor or at least an increase in them. We had seen a pretty stark reduction in business in that sector and I was doing whatever I could to figure out why. My boss asked me if the employee would be able to identify what our competitor's vehicles looked like and I quickly replied, "She's a smart girl I'm sure she can figure it out." I was almost offended that he asked the question and remember thinking to myself how condescending I thought that it would come off if I asked that employee the question, "Do you know how to spot a car that belongs to ABC company?" Little did I know I was about to learn a life lesson.

A couple of days later I went into that particular office and sat down to do a one-on-one meeting with the branch manager and explained what I'd like for the employee to do, and the branch manager immediately asked me, "How would she be able to identify a car that belonged to ABC company?" I was dumbfounded not at my branch manager's lack of knowledge but at just how assuming I had been about someone else's understanding of a particular topic. Sometimes we tend to think that other people, especially with similar training and experience, know what we know and think what we think. Even beyond that, we often get frustrated with people because we think they're ignoring us, not taking our advice, or that they think we're incompetent when it comes to developing a plan around the given topic. What I've discovered over the last year or so is that, in most cases, people don't think like me. Go figure I know, but the general assumption that people with similar experiences to mine would have similar knowledge, understanding, and interpretations of information as me absolutely made my life way more difficult in times past.

Why Communication is Important to your Mental Health

In an article by Seshgroups.com entitled "Why Communication is Important for Mental Health" they point out "Most of what we know about communication and individual well-being is focused on the importance of interpersonal interaction in determining quality of life. Effective interpersonal skills are the key to forming and fostering enduring friendships and partnerships. These connections have the potential to become your support system, providing you with effective social support when you need it most." Basically, communication is how we build our network of support for when things aren't great or even when they are. Guys are super familiar with the concept of a "go bag" but when it comes to mental health, we're typically going to be up the creek without a paddle if the proverbial mental health apocalypse shows up at our doorstep. Having poor communication skills or not utilizing the ones that you have will leave you vulnerable when mental health troubles come around.

Not only is effective communication important to build relationships and establish bonds to make sure that you have support if and when you need it but being able to communicate how you feel about something can go a long way to helping you feel less frustrated or anxious about that thing. I've touched on this idea in my article entitled "Why Men Struggle with Talking About Mental Health and How to Overcome It." The more comfortable we get using terminology that is associated with mental health the more we can move the conversation forward without being worried about stigma or how someone might perceive our conversation. I've had conversations with people where I'm thinking to myself, "Why in the world have I spent this time talking if they're not hearing anything that I'm saying?" only to realize that I really didn't say much of the stuff that I thought I said. Typically, I'm just assuming that they're connecting dots that I've connected but their logic and reasoning paths are different from mine, so I've made an effort to be more literal and specific when I'm talking to people and my conversations have been significantly more productive and less stressful since doing so.

How to Communicate More Effectively

One of the first things to do when trying to communicate more effectively is to ask questions. I used to think that a question like, "Does that make sense?" was an attack on my intelligence but 99.9999% of the time the person you're talking to is just asking if you understand the thing that they're talking to you about. It's important for us to ask that question as well. Keep in mind that, once in a blue moon, someone will probably get offended by the question and I'd encourage you to share a story about how not asking that question has gone poorly in the past. Feel free to use my example but I'd be willing to be you have plenty of your own. Another great question to ask in conversation is, "Do you have any questions about any of that?" Again, be prepared to answer questions and accepting if they don't. My same boss used to say, "Assume your people don't know anything that you know." He wasn't being disparaging toward those employees but was rather pushing me to develop them and stop assuming anything about what they knew.

Strategies to Improve Communication Skills

I'd like to itemize out a few strategies in addition to the questions above to help overcome the tendency to make assumptions and improve communication skills. Here they are:

1. Active listening: This involves paying close attention to the person speaking, not just hearing the words, but also trying to understand the underlying message and emotions.

2. Reflecting and clarifying: Repeat back what the other person has said to ensure that you have understood correctly and ask for clarification if you're unsure.

3. Avoiding assumptions: Try to avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask open-ended questions to gain a better understanding.

4. Empathy: Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand their perspective.

5. Communicating assertively: Speak up for yourself in a calm and confident manner, without being aggressive or passive.

A lot of these things are going to feel like more work than what you're used to in a conversation. Most guys will just smile and nod, agree with something that they don't believe just to end the conversation and keep the peace, or even use distraction measures to change the conversation altogether and avoid it. Doing the things above will be more challenging than those things at first but you'll find yourself actually making progress through conversations instead of punting them to a later date and time when they inevitably come back up because...well you agreed with something that really didn't sit well with you or brought up a coworker that your wife or girlfriend can't stand to throw her off the scent.

Be Humble Enough to Change your Mind

The last quote that I'll share today from my former boss was the one that really challenged me to think differently. When I recapped my conversation with that branch manager to my boss and told him that the first question basically confirmed that he was right my boss said to me, "See! You're a smart guy and you do dumb things all the time! I'm a smart guy and I do dumb things all the time." He then just reiterated that everything about our work was a learning experience and fellas, life is no different. We learn every single day. Remember to be humble enough to learn. Be humble enough to change your mind.

The importance of clear communication cannot be overstated, especially when it comes to mental health. Men, in particular, may struggle with discussing their mental health due to societal expectations and stigma. However, being able to express oneself and communicate one's feelings and thoughts can be a powerful tool in managing mental health. It's also important to remember that assumptions about others' understanding and knowledge can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. Instead, it is important to approach conversations with an open mind and actively listen to others. Clear communication is essential in building and maintaining relationships, forming a support network, and ultimately, achieving better mental health.

It's also important to note that effective communication is a skill that can be learned and developed. Whether it's through therapy, workshops, or practice, taking the time to improve communication skills can have a positive impact on mental health and overall well-being.

Communication is a crucial aspect of mental health, and it's important to be aware of our assumptions and biases in order to have effective and meaningful conversations. By actively working on our communication skills, we can build stronger relationships, create a support network, and improve our mental well-being. Thans for taking the time to read and as always remember to do something positive in the world today. Put some good energy out there, make an impact on someone's life, and don't forget to make yourself a priority. Thanks for reading.

John

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About the Author:

John Lockman is passionate about promoting men's mental health. Having lost a family member to suicide at an early age, he is committed to raising awareness about the disproportionate number of men affected by this devastating issue. Through his own personal experiences and his website, www.thelockmanlounge.com, John hopes to help men think differently about how to prioritize their well-being and become more comfortable acknowledging and processing their feelings in a healthy way.

In addition to his passion for mental health advocacy, John also has almost two decades of experience in the business world. Most recently, he oversaw roughly 100 million dollars of annual revenue and was responsible for managing a team of 75 employees. In this role, John had a significant impact on customer service, profitability, employee retention, and marketplace growth. With his wealth of knowledge and experience, John is a seasoned professional with valuable insights to share.